Crushing confession: I am not overly friendly unless we are friends. This is an ugly, do-not-shine-the-light-on-this-area, kind of confession. I avoid eye contact, do not initiate conversation, and certainly do not frequent situations that push the boundaries of my comfort zone. Somehow I feel like this is out of my control. Old anxiety tapes play in my head, and it just makes me so dang uncomfortable. Did I just say something DUM? Do I have food on my face? Did I remember to brush my teeth? Wait…do I have a bird in the sky!?!? My heart races and it envokes a flight response. Hurry…make an excuse…get out.
My dilema becomes a painful reality when I take my kids to the park. I scan the area almost as soon as I arrive. Where are the other moms in dirty yoga pants and a baseball hat? (My go-to staples) Where are the frazzled, clearly did not get a shower, looks like she got maybe 40 minutes of sleep kind of moms? I might stay longer if I found a park full of these moms. I want to relate to the ones that are all showered with their knee-high boots and long super cute sweaters with chunky scarfs. They are usually chatting with other a-dorable fashionistas, and there is ZERO chance that I would muster the courage. Ugh…Why do I feel like I am back in highschool when I take my kids to the park?!?!
The time is coming when T will make friends. I will be forced to talk to moms that I do not know. Maybe I will make new friends. Maybe I will find a community. Maybe if I look up from my little world view I will find other moms that are looking for the same thing. Maybe.