Fear

After Lucas was born, I was plagued by anxiety.   New baby, new house, new job role, challenges with Trevor.  No shortage of things that caused worry, or fear.

I described it as “noise.”  Lack of sleep significantly contributed to the noise.  When I did get a chance to sleep, it was hard to drift away from all of the noise.  Even clutter in my house/car/purse/email in box was noise since I could not focus on what to tackle first.  I could not quiet my mind down enough to be productive.

Luckily, babies grow and progress beyond the really needy stage, and they eventually figure out how to sleep.  Ish.  The noise is not as loud, but many of my fears are still present.   Here are some…

  1. I fear missing milestones, and sweet moments with my kids because I work.
  2. I fear receiving a cancer diagnosis.  Again.
  3. I fear outliving one/both of my kids.
  4. In my business, I fear that people will not take me seriously, or even take the time to hear about what I am doing because they think it is another “one of those businesses”.  This is paralyzing.
  5. I fear Spiders.  I am an equal opportunity arachnophobe,and loathe all kinds.   I appreciate individuals that feel the need to scoop them up and save them by setting them free outside, but in my home…”he gone.” Spiders are a main reason why I do not camp. Well, dirt also.
  6. I fear social situations that stretch my comfort zone.  Like…those ladies at the park.
  7. I fear the effects of chemicals in our air/homes, in products we put on our bodies, and in our food.  This fuels fear #2.
  8. I fear change.  My cheese has been moved both at home and at work several times in the last year.  Grumble.
  9. I fear that something I get rid of will be something that I NEEEEEED in the future.  Minor hoarding issue.  Not the intervention kind of hoarding (yet), but I could certainly account for a forest of trees with all of the mail, and paper, and WHY.DO.I.STILL.HAVE.THAT piles that are around.  My mother comes to hang with my kids on Thursdays, and she is constantly sorting/relocating my piles.  It is a problem.
  10. I fear my competency as a mom.  There are several things that contribute to this, but most of them are unfounded.  I know I need to be realistic and stop comparing.  I have come to know that being a mom is both the most rewarding, and the most challenging thing I have ever done in my life.

It was time to write out a few of my fears to get them out of the dark.  It is the beginning of taking steps to reclaim a bit of quiet.

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Baggage

Life is a series of experiences.  Some more memorable than others.

In the recent weeks, my teeny L has made some fabulous strides.  He sprouted teeth, he crawls SO fast both to me, and away from me.  He stands up on everything, and is cruising the furniture.  He is in to stuff!  Baby books, instagram and facebook feeds are not enough to record these events. These milestones are memories I want to keep readily accessible in my brain.  I want to be able to recall them in years to come and have them be as clear as they are now.  Like a mental picture.

L

My mind does not work that way.  Things get muddled and noisy.  It is almost as though my mind is a daisy chain of suitcases that I drag behind.  They are filled with my life experiences.   Memories from childhood, and today.  Thirty some years of life is not long, I am aware, though my chain is long.  The chain is full of memories both good and bad; truth and lies.

The heavy items, the baggage, keep me from moving forward at my desired pace.  They pop open on my life journey, spilling their contents into the forefront of my memory.  They surface lies told in years past that I have accepted as truth.  Wounds are reopened as I struggle to close the lid on them.  Like gremlins, the lies multiply.  “You are not appreciated” they scream….”You are not valued!”

In addition to dragging items behind, it feels like I often have glasses on that change my view of a situation or interaction.  I see something different through these lenses of regret or hurt that makes me behave in a way that is not warranted.  I lack patience and grace believing that I know how things will turn out.  I do not take risks because the effort of pulling any more items is too daunting.

The process of unpacking, and choosing to let go of baggage is just as overwhelming.  Some items can just be unhooked from the chain, and allowed to drift away.  Others require that they come out of their case and get washed with truth.  Who has time to do all of that laundry?!?!

I need space in my cases for the good stuff that is worth keeping.  The valuable daily little milestones and victories.  The sweet laughs of my boys, that tell me I am doing some things well.  I need to lighten the load to be a better mom, and a better wife.  One that does not look behind at the road traveled and make decisions based on fear.

Bottom line…

I am loved and VALUED by God.  My life, my family and my outlook would be different if I chose to carry this truth with me on my journey.